I know there's
a place I belong
Where I'll see
the fullness of love
A child face to
face with my God
Lost in Your
awesome wonder
While I wait I
will not be afraid
My faith will
remain all the same
My hope in the
things not yet seen
Found in the
greatest of these
Hillsong
United, “Glimmer In the Dust”
 |
| #truth |
 |
| People give me presents... Like this. |
But the biggest
thing was that I just didn't (and still don't in large part) want it
out there as to what lay in store for me this year. The real goal for
2018. The crazy, insane, utterly absurd thing God was leading me to.
I like to think I'm a sensible person, and this wasn't sensible...
Not at all. And I think a lot of it was that nasty little friend of
mine (Pride) making another appearance in my life. Sure, part of it
didn't feel real, part of me didn't want it to feel real. Part of me
was (and still is) terrified of the undertaking. But the big part of
not wanting people to know...? Because even at best, my odds of
failing will be about 50/50. I don't like failure. Like, at all.
Especially when people are watching. I didn't want there to feel like
there was an expectation on me to succeed, because... the reality is
that I may not.
 |
| I don't drive when there is snow out... But when training calls... I have to suck it up. |
After weeks if not
months of arguing with God about this crazy idea, of praying
earnestly if I was really hearing Him right on this one... Of arguing
that no way was I doing this, I was putting my foot down this time,
no more craziness... Of being warn down by his prodding. Of crying
and throwing fits that would rival a 2 year-old. Of trying to
convince God I couldn't physically do
this... I finally broke. I told God okay. That if He was in it with
me, I would go... I checked back, to see if my surrender would change
His mind... just maybe? If I say please??? Nope.
 |
| Ever wonder how you keep your feet warm at -40? |
I told one
person... My Vice-Chair for Strawberry Festival. I remember sitting
in her office, discussing our to-do list for all things festival
related, and being nervous to actually give voice to this crazy
idea... What would she think? Would she scoff and think no way could
I do it? Would she think (like lots of people) that I must have a
death wish? And then I mustered the courage to put into words all the
angst and craziness I'd been living with. I needed her support of me
leaving immediately after festival was over... And to my surprise,
she told me the same thing she has told me for every Strawberry
Festival decision we've made this year: “Go big, or go home.”
Just like that. So I wrote it on my prayer board, and never looked
back.
 |
| Allis kind of likes this whole training thing... She gets to hike more. |
Okay, I've looked
back. But how amazing would it be if I hadn't? And it was that
simple??? None of this second, and third, and fourth and... I don't
know if billionth guessing is a thing, but if it is, I've totally
done it. I knew there would be struggles, I knew I'd have to fight, I
knew the commitment and the timing would cause friction, I knew it
would add stress and craziness to an already super busy time of the
year for me... And oh how much of an understatement all that has
turned out to be. Between illness and and a cracked rib laying me up
for months, and not having seed cleaning to keep me in shape during
the week... With Strawberry Festival becoming a run away freight
train that at best is somewhat orchestrated chaos and at worst...
Well, let's just not think about that... It is safe to say this has
been the biggest juggling act of my life.
 |
| There is no sense washing my poor car... It usually smells like stinky feet too. I've adapted. |
Along the way,
more and more people in my “real life” have inevitably heard
about my planned adventure... So why aren't you going to be here in
June??? Why do you have to skip meetings to go “train”??? Why
does Cindy have to take over all post-festival chaos??? Little by
little, the craziness has spread... And yes, there are things like my
church family checking in occasionally to make sure I'm alive if I'm
not in my normal evening service. I now have a GPS SOS transmitter
that lives on my pack. My Strawberry people know if I'm radio silent
or blowing off meetings that I'm getting training in. My seed company
leaves me messages like “DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE IF YOU HAVE TO DROP
THE ICE AXE!!!!” (Not even kidding on that one...) And most of the
time, I can own this part of my life, I can embrace that this is
where I'm at right now, what God has in store for this chapter... I
can feign a degree of excitement for it even... And then I think
maybe, just maybe, I'll share something about it in writing, and make
it “real”... Yeah, no.
 |
| Toes are just a problem... Who needs toe-nails anyway? |
But here's the
thing... It is real. I'm putting off booking my plane ticket,
living in the last threads of denial, but just like the calendar says
that Strawberry Festival is just a mere 15 days away... It's also
saying that I'm leaving for Alaska a few days after it's over. To
join an expedition team. To try and climb Denali (formerly Mt.
McKinley). The North American summit. 20,310 feet of rock and
glacier, of storms and unpredictable weather, of frigid temperatures
that make goose bumps appear just thinking about them. I'm not ready
for it to be real, but it's coming whether I'm ready or not.
 |
| I have puffy pants too... And no, I don't wrestle. |
People ask if I'm
getting excited... If you want me to lie? YEEEESSSSS. If you want the
truth, and are in the circle of people I don't have to feign some
decorum of tact with? The answer is HECK NO. People ask why I'm doing
this... The un-phased answer? I BLAME GOD! No right minded person
would subject themselves to this torture, surely, right???
 |
| When you realize you have a few to go and already hit the half-marathon mark... |
I can tell you
with all honesty, that I've found myself crumpled on my bathroom
floor on multiple occasions pondering the path that has led me to the
point that I'm a registered climber for a Denali expedition team for
2018. That somehow my life includes pee bottles and a comfort level
of pooping in a shared CMC (clean mountain can). That I go from
wearing hiking shoes to high heels and back again without batting an
eye. That I own a $900 coat, and embrace that I look like I put on a
fat suit when I don it. That I—who would freak the heck out over
wearing shorts or going out of my house without makeup on—think
peeing in front of people on a rope team, or discussing the
brilliance of biffy bags, or looking forward to not showering for
week+ long trips, or being off grid, or in a tent, or hours (if not
days) away from any sort of medical assistance... all sounds like
“a-okay” stuff in my book. Who is this person??? This is not me.
Surely this isn't me. Can I go back to “normal” life,
please-pretty-please??? Where things like pee bottles and poop cans
just aren't a thing??? I mean... Come on! I liked my modest,
proper, and mundane existence.
 |
| Snow hiking... Ugggg, but weather is no excuse not to train! |
So yes, the
logical next question after pondering how my life brought me to this
degree of craziness... Is if this is really the life that I want? The
answer to that also varies on who is asking, but the honest truth is
no. I'm grateful for this life. I'm grateful at what God has shown me
through it. I'm grateful that I finally found something that makes me
feel utterly and completely myself. That strips away all the facades
and walls and nonsense. That has allowed me the courage to embrace
who I truly am. To trust God in the crazy. To see His hand at work in
the most incredible of ways. But no, I don't want this life. Chasing
peaks. Logging insane miles on my car getting to trailheads. Spending
every spare minute on a trail, pushing to get stronger. Blowing off
meetings and obligations to train. Not having time to spend with the
people I love. No, it's not the life I want. I had gotten up early to
go hiking, and as I set out on one of multiple 15 mile hikes that
week... passing the “normal” day hikers, out having fun with
their friends to just take in the sights and enjoy their time... All
I could think is that while some may find dedication like this to
training for some physical challenge an admirable quality... I just
found it stupid. This wasn't how I wanted to be spending my weekends.
To be always on the go. To never be home. To always be flying solo,
too caught up in accomplishing things to just enjoy. No, this isn't
the life I want.
 |
| Gravel roads, so many gas stations, and a new-found fondness for McDonalds |
But it's the life
I have. That has been the battle I've been struggling with the past
couple of weeks... As the reality of this climb has set it, and I'm
getting tired of the fight, and the idea of just not going gets more
and more appealing... I think of what would be the “ideal” life
versus the reality, and think “if only...”. But then God beats
the dead horse, like He likes to do for me, and hammers in these
truths that leave you crumpled on the floor for entirely different
reasons.
 |
| Just a glimpse of what I'll be packing up a mountain... |
It felt like hope
was lost. It felt like I had to accept this was my life, and going to
be my life, and since we're called to be grateful in all things, that
I just somehow needed to find a way to be happy about it. And as much
as I can be grateful for parts of it, no way did I want this to be my
life! A chapter? Sure. But that means I want it to come to an end,
and a new one to start. One that involves basic levels of hygiene. Of
enjoying life more. Of having excuses to slow down, of staying home,
of spending time with people... I didn't know what hope even looked
like anymore, and all hope seemed to lead to was disappointment, when
a new day meant once again hitting the trail, or hitting multiple
meetings and pulling late nights working on festival stuff. Hope?
Hope of what???
 |
| Someone sneaks into my bed a lot now... She doesn't like getting left behind. |
 |
| The views are always worth the climbs... |
I
had given up hope of all the craziness my life has had in the past
few years ever truly making sense... Aspects of it? Sure. And those
pieces were incredible... But there are so, so many unanswered
questions. So many unanswered prayers. So many promises I'd felt
weighed on my heart that have yet to be fulfilled—many of which now
seem utterly impossible. So many times of crying out to God asking if
I'd heard him wrong. And doubting myself all the greater because of
it. And then God got to drilling more truth into my heart... Using
church, using my morning devotions, and perfectly surmising it with
my favorite media... MUSIC.
 |
| She knows what it means when her pack comes out... |
When we are
finally with God, and become like him... We'll know what He knows.
That may seem so basic, and it is on the surface, but when you truly
think of what that means... How amazing will that be? To see how He
worked in every tiny little mundane detail in your life? All those
times you're begging God to let you see his hand working in your
life, to open your eyes to it—and you still don't see it??? Guess
what? You will. You'll see it ALL. You'll understand how every tear,
every ounce of pain, every seemingly unanswered prayer, every
agonizing footstep up a mountain, all ties together into His
masterful, amazing, glorious grand plan. That's the HOPE. Not that it
will all make sense in this life as much as we would wish it, but the
hope and the promise of THAT DAY, when we meet God face to face, and
become like him. Receive his
wisdom. See the world and all of its days through his
eyes. And really and truly understand his unfathomable love for us.
 |
| Allis LOVES hiking to snow. I still hate it. |
I
still want to be in the know, and be able to trick myself into
thinking I'm in control... That urge still runs deep in this battered
brain of mine. To want to protect myself. But I also love so much
when God gives me the strength to trust him in the darkness of
uncertainty. When I have no idea how the story plays out, and just
have to focus on what He's given me to do for today; and day by day,
just keep grinding... And then the day finally comes when you see the
reason. You see the love God has for you. You see his patience in
waiting until the timing was exactly right. You see a small glimpse
of his glory. And it knocks your socks off. Now imagine that times a
billion. It's going to be amazing.
 |
| My lives are colliding. The hiking-mobile is now full fledged festival-mobile. Not happy about it. |
I
know I don't need to be afraid of what lies ahead... I know that God
will have some crazy plan for why Denali is part of this chapter of
my life, and that God is good, his plan is good, and that He loves
me. I know that I can have hope of all his promises—even in this
beyond-crazy adventure. That some day, it will all make sense. It
doesn't always make it easy, but it makes it possible. And I'm going
to need every help imaginable to make this possible.
So,
here's to making it real... And I think I have a plane ticket to go
buy.
 |
| Mt. Denali |
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