Donuts (Because Jesus Loves Me)

Jesus loves me. He gives me donuts.

Okay, that might sound weird... But let me explain... And then probably explain my explaining. Because this one is a little out there... So let's just jump back a ways, and try to make this make sense. Some back ground: I'm kind of obsessed with donuts, or rather, maple bars. And by kind of obsessed, I mean, I might make special trips to the grocery store just to gander by the donut case in hopes there will be a maple bar. Which sadly, I think the devil is out to get me, because there are never any maple bars anymore! Ever! Back during harvest, when I couldn't count on the occasional maple bar at the Soup Kitchen—praise Jesus, the amazing 7-11 store in town donates the leftover donuts and there are almost always a few maple bars to be had!—since I was busy with that whole harvest thing and not able to volunteer, I may have driven to Cork's in Albany one morning before combining and bought an entire dozen, and maybe, just maybe, ate most of them myself. What's a girl to do? When a craving hits...

But the funny thing, I never really cared for donuts. They'd send my blood sugar sky high, and the oil used in frying most of them would leave me feeling nauseated. Gross. But then... I randomly picked one up when I was grocery shopping a couple of years ago, and it's like the flood gates opened... I went from eating maybe one a year to... Well, we really don't need to put a number on how many I eat, let's just say it's more than the average person. But since well before I left for Israel, there have been no donuts! I think I managed ONE measly donut since then, and I tell you, the struggle is real when you just want a flipping maple bar! But no trip to the grocery has yielded me even one donut. Ridiculous.

So let's jump ahead to the moral of this story and leave that craziness of my donut obsession behind... Yeah, I'm struggling to believe I just wrote all that out for you, but eh, there is no shame in donut-love, right? Plus, the moral of the story is JESUS LOVES ME, and He gives me DONUTS. So really, they're like sacred or something, and aren't we supposed to have reverence for sacred things? I'm going with it.

Back at women's retreat for church this year, I remember the speaker was telling this story about how she needed to feel loved by God; not just logically know it, but feel it. She said she challenged God to show her He loved her. And proceeded to tell us all how much she loves the family shopping carts at Walmart... Okay her obsession with those shopping carts might pale a little in comparison to my obsession with donuts, but it was along the same lines. Shopping trip after shopping trip, she was deprived of having an available family cart. And after challenging God to show her He loves her? She makes her trip to Walmart, just knowing there was going to be a shopping cart for her, and wouldn't you know it, there at the door, multiple family shopping carts! Ready and waiting, just for her. And she literally took a picture of her kids in the shopping cart and put it on her social media proclaiming that God loves her.

Donuts may have been my family shopping cart this week. Except, I refrained from taking more pictures of me eating donuts. But I was tempted. Legit.

I hate those times when you feel like you're on this roller coaster in your faith, these stupid ups and downs, and the changes between the two that seem to happen in a split second, and for no apparent reason. I'll go from being so utterly filled with joy and peace that God's got it all figured out—I need not worry, to boom! All of a sudden I'm just icky feeling inside not knowing that I'm on the right path, that this all seems crazy, what the heck are you up to God, I don't like this, not one bit! And it can be like whip-lash. To the point I'll be saying to myself “WHOA! Weren't you just having the most amazing prayer time this morning? Praising God so confidently for His ability to take care of all this??? And now it's not even lunch and you're freaking the heck out over nothing??? What the heck just happened?!?!?” It's been FUN.

So much of the roller coaster is stemming from the fact that I had a really, really big decision to make... A scary, crazy decision. People might think I do some crazy stuff, but this is the cherry on top of that craziness sundae! Hands down. And I just wasn't sure if I wanted to do it. I had every confidence that I knew what God wanted me to choose, I had peace in that... And I knew difficulties would come, I knew I'd have to fight for it... And I wasn't sure I wanted to. And then difficulties came, before I'd even committed fully to that decision, and all I'm wanting to say is, “Well, that didn't work out, God, so let's just peace-out on that plan, and go with plan B, okay...? I think we've done enough crazy for awhile.”

A lot of times I get worried at where God is leading me. Things get crazier and crazier, and I find myself scared that I'll never have a normal, boring life. To "settle down" so to speak. I want a normal, boring life... Don't I? Or have I become some sort of adventure-crazed person, always seeking a bigger and crazier thrill? Is this really just me driving this??? Could I even be truly content not chasing crazy goals? So then I really didn't want to pursue this crazy thing just to prove to myself that I can be content with boring. But that then backfires, because this crazy thing is totally weighed on my heart, and I have to again find the peace in trusting that it's what God is asking of me, and that boring is just not the season of life He has me in, and that I need to simply make the most of each season, even the crazy ones... Trust that if He's asking it, then He has a plan in it, a purpose. And just pray my knees off that this will be the last “ask” in this crazy season of crazy adventures, then maybe I can have boring... Yeah, prayer warrior overtime! Let's do this!

In all of this going round and round about making this decision, and truly committing to it, and riding the roller coaster with God regarding the decision... Which was really messing up my blissful new-found mastery of not worrying, just giving it all to God, and just trusting... I was also being denied the simple pleasure of eating a gosh darn maple bar! It's sad, but I just feel better after enjoying a maple bar. Like it solves all the world's problems or something. And that mix of sugars and carbs... It is just bliss and peace in one delightfully calorie-packed pastry. So, stressing out, big decision, trying to figure out what the heck God has got up his sleeve, AND no donuts??? You've got to be kidding me.

Then I bit the bullet. I filled out my registration for the craziest thing (I hope) I'll ever chase after. I committed myself to stepping in faith, hoping like heck I heard God right, praying that no matter what, He'll use my act of surrender, of obedience, for His glory... And that He'd be true to his promise and make my steps firm and not let me fall (Psalm 37: 23-24). And I had peace. I still think it's utterly crazy, but then I think what has God asked me to do that hasn't seemed crazy? And look what He's done through it? I think of how much He's led me beyond the woman I always dreamed to be, how he's given me strength, and confidence, how He's led me to love myself. The change from where I was at even a year ago to who I am today... Wow. God is good!

I was thinking of all this on my way to church, and just shocked all over again at how faithful God is, and how much He blesses us when we just obey... Even when it seems utterly crazy, and often, the last thing we want to do, when it goes against all logical thought and reason. And then God met me in the most amazing way during worship... I can't describe it, all I know was I ended up having to mentally check out or I would have been a bawling mess on the sanctuary floor. I'm quite sure my “adopted” (church) parents wouldn't have judged me, they're just awesome like that, but I have this issue with crying while wearing mascara—raccoon eyes really aren't a good look for me, thankyouverymuch. But when I walked out of service and saw the snack table in the lobby (okay, evening service is just so much better than morning service, they give us snacks, and we don't have to wake up early... Yet, people ask me why I drive “clear” to Salem to go to church! There are no words...), which usually, I try to avoid since I have this whole no-eating-after-7 rule... But there on the table, calling my name, and completely accessible since the usual mass of people attacking the snacks is somehow no where near this end of the table... A maple bar. In a box full of all sorts of other donuts, there it is, a maple bar. I literally had that moment where I'm smiling like a loon, grabbing a donut, and whispering “thank you Jesus” all at the same time.

And full disclosure... When driving home after my Jesus-donut... I set a worship song on repeat and just praised Jesus for how He picks the perfect moments to show me his love, and in doing so, utterly managed to miss my exit off the freeway. You know, just the hazards of being a non-observant driver. Oh, and having an obsessive personality and getting into “zones” when songs are on repeat, oohps.

And wouldn't you know it, but there was even a maple bar waiting for me at the Soup Kitchen tonight... Only one. Out of umpteen trays of desserts there was one. And it was yummy. Life is just better with donuts, especially God-given donuts...

So my challenge to you is this: never overlook the little ways God shows He loves you. Don't take them for granted, or brush them off... I could have just thought, dang, I lucked out, there are donuts this week! Or I can see how much my wonderful God works in even the tiny little things... Providing something I love at just the right time. To show me He loves me. Sometimes we get so caught up in the big things of life, those big ol' prayer requests, the big things we are waiting for God to make happen for us, and somehow it starts tricking us into believing that those are the things God will do if He loves us... But sometimes those things just aren't in his plan yet, and it's because He loves us that he withholds them. And that's hard at times to accept, when we only see from our own vantage point of the here and now, and don't see how God's big master plan works out... But those little moments? Oh how they can fuel the trust and faith needed in our amazing and faithful God to get us to those big moments, we need only open our eyes and see them.

I'm excited to see what God has in store, and nervous as can be as well. I know I'm looking at the biggest challenge I've ever faced, and part of me worries I'll fail. I know I have such intimidating and unfathomable amounts of hard work ahead of me, work that must be done to even get approved to attempt this crazy adventure, and especially necessary if I want to attempt it safely. I know I'll have to dig deeper than ever to find the dedication to keep after this fight. I'll have to make sacrifices of my time, money, and efforts. I'll have to train like I've never trained, and figure out how far I can truly push my body. I'll have to miss things at the farm that make me feel beyond guilty. I will have to face a lot of my phobias and figure out ways to not freak out with anxiety. Oh my... It's going to be bad. But I know it's also going to be good. Because God is in it with me. And because He loves me. And I can't wait to see how God weaves this into the master plan... I'm sure it'll surprise me just as much as all the rest has. And I'm hoping there are more donuts along the way, especially Jesus-donuts.

If you don't hear from me for awhile, just trust I'm busy training... I don't think I'll manage well balancing training and all the rest of life, and Festival, and work, and Bible time, and... everything, so offer up a prayer that I'll keep the right priorities, and that God continues to redeem the time I invest into this. Otherwise, there aren't enough hours in the day, or days in a week to make this all happen. And then there's the whole going to Africa and climbing Kilimanjaro thing thrown in there too. Oh my, 2018 is going to be on heck of an adventure! Bring it on.