The countdown is feeling real. Like really real. Like easily measured
in hours, not days or weeks kind of real... I leave Sunday afternoon. And my bag is already packed and ready to go. Today, I threw my last 50 for almost 3 weeks and worked at
getting the warehouse cleaned up and ready to shut down for a bit. I even told my
“bastards” (horrid, but it's--usually--a term of endearment, what I call all my palletized 50's,
since they're kind of my “kids” which I'm actually really proud of, and
I'm not married, so it seemed a fitting name...) good bye, knowing
some of them will likely be missing when I get back, having moved on
to the land of pallets in the sky (or rather shipped to Halsey). And
as I left, I was a bit teary eyed. Then tonight, we had a family
dinner as a chance for everyone to catch up after a long and
crazy-busy summer... And again, it was hard to say goodbye.
All week, people had been telling to have a great trip, and... to
stay safe. And always, with a weary look that doesn't seem typical
when I leave on trips. I think most of it is that people are
inherently scared of the Holy Lands, because there is a constant
state of unrest there. You put that many religions together that all
consider Jerusalem a holy site, and there is bound to be conflict.
But there is also tremendous amounts of security... And
realistically, how many millions travel there each year completely
unscathed? Nothing in life is without risk, and the risks I do
take, are calculated ones. It's who I am. I way over-analyze the
situation, looking at all the pro's and con's, and choose if it's
worth it to me. And going to the Holy Lands? It's scary on the
surface, sure, but beneath that... It's reasonably safe, and
definitely worth the risk to me. To experience those places, breathe
a new life and reality into all those “stories” I've heard from
the Bible all my life... To learn whatever God is wanting to show me.
For some though, the fear goes beyond just the fear of the Holy
Lands... It's the things I intend to do in the Holy Lands. And
I have to try and keep it in perspective, that if I was doing those
things here in the States, they'd be plenty worried as well, but it
does make it progressively harder to not let it get to me... And
that's hard to explain, or even fully wrap my head around. It's hard
because it brings to life the turmoil in my heart of the life I have
and the life I so very much long for... My brother told me that he'd
say to not do anything he wouldn't do, but that would mean not going
on the entire trip, so... Thanks Jered, super helpful. He was more
upset about this than any of the mountains I've climbed. Like, way
more upset... Kevin, always supportive Kevin, even was hesitant and
the mere mention of land mines... Nope, he was siding with Mom on
requiring the GPS watch (which I now have, and know how to use, so
rest just a little easier). Mom said she can't tell me not to go,
because she went... Of course she didn't do some of the things I'm
planning on doing, but still... Reasonably the same, and she knows
she can't be a hypocrite as much as I'm sure she'd prefer I stay
home. Tammy asked legitimately if I want to die. And sadly,
she wasn't the only one... Nathaniel at the Soup Kitchen had the same
reaction, pretty sure Sean's was along those lines too... But no, I
do not have a death wish—but rest assured, if I do happen to
die, it'll be a day to celebrate. I'll be with Jesus, and it doesn't
get better than that.
But having no fear of death...? It does make it easier to take risks.
And that's sometimes worrisome in the sense that I don't know what's
“normal” anymore. I watch other climbers/hikers worry about this
or that, and I'm just like “oh posh...” They were terrified of
the bears on this hike I did, and I was like “A bear??? I wanna
see! Show me!!!” Later, my hiking partner said that when someone
says there is a bear ahead, you should not rush up the trail
to go find it... I thought he was just a spoiled sport, I mean
it's not spring time, they aren't “hangry” right now, they're fat
and ready to go to bed for a few months... But is this not normal? Am
I wrong in thinking they are just being overly cautious and that I'm
being perfectly sensible? Have I become someone that uses risks to
distract from reality?
Sometimes I feel like I need to make up for lost time... I didn't
truly live for so long, that I want to experience it all now,
no time to waste! Yet, I'm still very much clinging to hope (and
begging God) for the life I want... The one that will
effectively put a stop to all of this... I want a husband, I want
someone to spend my life with, to have a family with... Someone worth
laying down all the unnecessary risks for, to truly put first in my
life (apart from God). I want to sacrifice that to protect my
family... No mountain would ever be worth the risk of leaving behind
a family... No hike, no adventure would ever be worth that, and life
is already risky enough. I never thought I wanted that life, until I
felt it'd been dropped in my lap. Then it got yanked out from under
me, and left me reeling, and in some ways, I truly feel like “What
does it matter? What do you have to lose???” And maybe that's not
the right thinking to have, but logically, it's the truth. But
does it mean I take extra risk because of that truth? To distract
myself from that reality? No, I'm quite certain I don't... Most of
what I do in my life that seems “risky” is exactly where I feel
God wants me to be... Every mountain, every adventure, every single
risk. And it leads me to the ways I feel Him the strongest, to rely
on Him the most, to celebrate how He's moving in my life in the most
incredible ways, to remember that He truly isn't done with me yet.
I might not see risk the way I used to, when I saw danger and fear
everywhere and tried desperately to live in my little bubble
of “safety”. I may hate this crazy life at times because I feel
it keeps taking me farther from the life I want, but this is
the life I have right now. And I intend to live it, and live it well.
To go where ever God leads me, even if it seems everyone else thinks
it's insane of me. And believe me, it's hard to grasp at times that
this is somehow my life. Plenty of times I find myself on the
floor either in tears or shock at the realization of what my life is
like now... How it mirrors so many things about someone I resented
for these same things... And I take comfort in the fact that I know
how important it is to me to make that sacrifice some day to lay it
all down, to start making the “safe” choices again... But for
better or worse, risky or just insane, this is my life. My ICE
bracelet is on my wrist complete with the most valuable lesson—“Fear
Not + God is With You” (paraphrase of Joshua 1:9), as is the
addition of my very high tech GPS watch already loaded with the
tracks I plan to take, and my baby ice axe bracelet—to remind me of
who I am and all the crazy things God has already led me to conquer.
I completely understand why someone might think going and hiking
through an area known to have active land mines might be insane... Or
why crossing into Jordan might be ill-advised... And don't even think
about Egypt... I get it. And all of their worries and expressions of
concern might mess with my head a little, causing flares of anxiety
and making me doubt my decision to go a wee bit... But crazy or not,
the thing I know the most is that I'm not afraid. Crazy or not, I
know this is where I'm supposed to be. My heart has peace in it, so
off I'll go... And I can't wait to see what God has in store for me
as the reward for being obedient to where He wants to take me.
Following Him when the world is trying to stop me always makes for
the most incredible lessons... Stay tuned. It's bound to be a
wonderful adventure! And filled with pictures, which this post is sorely missing...
No comments:
Post a Comment