The Countdown Is Almost Over: Jordan, Egypt, and Israel!

The countdown is feeling real. Like really real. Like easily measured in hours, not days or weeks kind of real... I leave Sunday afternoon. And my bag is already packed and ready to go. Today, I threw my last 50 for almost 3 weeks and worked at getting the warehouse cleaned up and ready to shut down for a bit. I even told my “bastards” (horrid, but it's--usually--a term of endearment, what I call all my palletized 50's, since they're kind of my “kids” which I'm actually really proud of, and I'm not married, so it seemed a fitting name...) good bye, knowing some of them will likely be missing when I get back, having moved on to the land of pallets in the sky (or rather shipped to Halsey). And as I left, I was a bit teary eyed. Then tonight, we had a family dinner as a chance for everyone to catch up after a long and crazy-busy summer... And again, it was hard to say goodbye.

All week, people had been telling to have a great trip, and... to stay safe. And always, with a weary look that doesn't seem typical when I leave on trips. I think most of it is that people are inherently scared of the Holy Lands, because there is a constant state of unrest there. You put that many religions together that all consider Jerusalem a holy site, and there is bound to be conflict. But there is also tremendous amounts of security... And realistically, how many millions travel there each year completely unscathed? Nothing in life is without risk, and the risks I do take, are calculated ones. It's who I am. I way over-analyze the situation, looking at all the pro's and con's, and choose if it's worth it to me. And going to the Holy Lands? It's scary on the surface, sure, but beneath that... It's reasonably safe, and definitely worth the risk to me. To experience those places, breathe a new life and reality into all those “stories” I've heard from the Bible all my life... To learn whatever God is wanting to show me.

For some though, the fear goes beyond just the fear of the Holy Lands... It's the things I intend to do in the Holy Lands. And I have to try and keep it in perspective, that if I was doing those things here in the States, they'd be plenty worried as well, but it does make it progressively harder to not let it get to me... And that's hard to explain, or even fully wrap my head around. It's hard because it brings to life the turmoil in my heart of the life I have and the life I so very much long for... My brother told me that he'd say to not do anything he wouldn't do, but that would mean not going on the entire trip, so... Thanks Jered, super helpful. He was more upset about this than any of the mountains I've climbed. Like, way more upset... Kevin, always supportive Kevin, even was hesitant and the mere mention of land mines... Nope, he was siding with Mom on requiring the GPS watch (which I now have, and know how to use, so rest just a little easier). Mom said she can't tell me not to go, because she went... Of course she didn't do some of the things I'm planning on doing, but still... Reasonably the same, and she knows she can't be a hypocrite as much as I'm sure she'd prefer I stay home. Tammy asked legitimately if I want to die. And sadly, she wasn't the only one... Nathaniel at the Soup Kitchen had the same reaction, pretty sure Sean's was along those lines too... But no, I do not have a death wish—but rest assured, if I do happen to die, it'll be a day to celebrate. I'll be with Jesus, and it doesn't get better than that.

But having no fear of death...? It does make it easier to take risks. And that's sometimes worrisome in the sense that I don't know what's “normal” anymore. I watch other climbers/hikers worry about this or that, and I'm just like “oh posh...” They were terrified of the bears on this hike I did, and I was like “A bear??? I wanna see! Show me!!!” Later, my hiking partner said that when someone says there is a bear ahead, you should not rush up the trail to go find it... I thought he was just a spoiled sport, I mean it's not spring time, they aren't “hangry” right now, they're fat and ready to go to bed for a few months... But is this not normal? Am I wrong in thinking they are just being overly cautious and that I'm being perfectly sensible? Have I become someone that uses risks to distract from reality?

Sometimes I feel like I need to make up for lost time... I didn't truly live for so long, that I want to experience it all now, no time to waste! Yet, I'm still very much clinging to hope (and begging God) for the life I want... The one that will effectively put a stop to all of this... I want a husband, I want someone to spend my life with, to have a family with... Someone worth laying down all the unnecessary risks for, to truly put first in my life (apart from God). I want to sacrifice that to protect my family... No mountain would ever be worth the risk of leaving behind a family... No hike, no adventure would ever be worth that, and life is already risky enough. I never thought I wanted that life, until I felt it'd been dropped in my lap. Then it got yanked out from under me, and left me reeling, and in some ways, I truly feel like “What does it matter? What do you have to lose???” And maybe that's not the right thinking to have, but logically, it's the truth. But does it mean I take extra risk because of that truth? To distract myself from that reality? No, I'm quite certain I don't... Most of what I do in my life that seems “risky” is exactly where I feel God wants me to be... Every mountain, every adventure, every single risk. And it leads me to the ways I feel Him the strongest, to rely on Him the most, to celebrate how He's moving in my life in the most incredible ways, to remember that He truly isn't done with me yet.

I might not see risk the way I used to, when I saw danger and fear everywhere and tried desperately to live in my little bubble of “safety”. I may hate this crazy life at times because I feel it keeps taking me farther from the life I want, but this is the life I have right now. And I intend to live it, and live it well. To go where ever God leads me, even if it seems everyone else thinks it's insane of me. And believe me, it's hard to grasp at times that this is somehow my life. Plenty of times I find myself on the floor either in tears or shock at the realization of what my life is like now... How it mirrors so many things about someone I resented for these same things... And I take comfort in the fact that I know how important it is to me to make that sacrifice some day to lay it all down, to start making the “safe” choices again... But for better or worse, risky or just insane, this is my life. My ICE bracelet is on my wrist complete with the most valuable lesson—“Fear Not + God is With You” (paraphrase of Joshua 1:9), as is the addition of my very high tech GPS watch already loaded with the tracks I plan to take, and my baby ice axe bracelet—to remind me of who I am and all the crazy things God has already led me to conquer.

I completely understand why someone might think going and hiking through an area known to have active land mines might be insane... Or why crossing into Jordan might be ill-advised... And don't even think about Egypt... I get it. And all of their worries and expressions of concern might mess with my head a little, causing flares of anxiety and making me doubt my decision to go a wee bit... But crazy or not, the thing I know the most is that I'm not afraid. Crazy or not, I know this is where I'm supposed to be. My heart has peace in it, so off I'll go... And I can't wait to see what God has in store for me as the reward for being obedient to where He wants to take me. Following Him when the world is trying to stop me always makes for the most incredible lessons... Stay tuned. It's bound to be a wonderful adventure! And filled with pictures, which this post is sorely missing... 

The End Of Summer--On to Mt. Sinai!

Hiking up the Sahale Arm, North Cascades NP

It's hard for me to believe that summer is over, but I'm also so, so incredibly happy to realize Fall is here. I put away all my climbing gear, my backpacking gear, and all the things that have been on my dining room table getting packed, unpacked, and re-packed all summer long. The seemingly endless trips every weekend, the feeling of losing my mind not being able to keep straight where I'm off to next of how in the world I'm going to get everything done. Not to mention trying to do it all while still cranking out the most seed I've ever cleaned through my warehouse on tight shipping deadlines. It's been exhausting! Amazing, and crazy, and awe inspiring of how God leads me down paths I never dreamed I'd wander, but... Exhausting.

Yukti and I on top of Mt. Shasta, CA

I knew I was hitting the wall of trying to do too much for too long, but I had felt so much that mountains were where God wanted me, and gosh darn, I was going to go at them hard. And God was gracious in rewarding me: with so many lessons about life, and learning about myself, and incredible conversations with people along the way, and always seeming to get everything done that I needed to... I somehow always had clean clothes to wear, food to eat (thank the good Lord that He led me to working at the Soup Kitchen, they have been a life saver in taking pity on me and sending home leftovers), and my responsibilities covered. It was an amazing summer. But it took a toll.

Bible time on the deck at my favorite place--Woahink Lake

When I get really tired, I lose my ability to really reign in my crazy brain, to focus, to cling to God's promises, and just live in the peace He offers. Worries and anxieties started creeping back in, and feelings of frustration and despair—to put it simply, I felt rudderless. Mountains weren't speaking to me the same way, I knew climbing season was winding down for me, and I just didn't feel like doing anything. I'll confess, I don't like to be aimless, yet I know sometimes God makes us take a break. We can't always be working, working, working towards goals and plans and whatever He is wanting us to do in life, sometimes we have to just be still. Rest. Recharge. Get ready for what's next. But oh my, it can feel like you're wasting time, and I'm soooo not a fan of wasting time. I'm the person who's TV hasn't been turned on in months—because I don't like wasting time. The thought of aimless driving makes me cringe because I want to know where I'm going and just get there. No, feeling rudderless, and like there is no where for me to be headed but to just sit and wait at God's mercy of what's in store next... Isn't really the easiest place for me to be.

More prettiness from Sahale!

Have you ever noticed how much easier waiting is when you have distractions? You have 30 minutes to kill, and staring at the wall, it feels like 3 hours! But with a good distraction, it feels like 5 minutes! Yet too many distractions, and we're exhausted, either physically or mentally or both... But still, I tend to rebel when I find myself in this place of needing to cut distractions and just rest... And I feel bad, incredibly guilty, because I know God is taking care of me in His most tender and loving way... And yet here I am, grumbling and fighting him, and taking on more stuff to do as soon as my calendar starts mercifully opening up just a smidgen. Yes, I'm a slow learner, and still really struggle to say no!

Trying to find motivation to keep grinding on this pile... Just one scoop at a time.

I finally hit that point that I knew I couldn't do everything much longer, even if I knew ultimately it was God helping me out, but physically I was to that point I couldn't even get my eyes to focus long enough to read... My Bible time would be reading the same verse 5 times still trying to get it through my brain what the words were actually saying before giving up that it was yet another night of wasted effort. I didn't like what I was feeling, that icky numbness inside, that screams to the fact that your intake of Godly influences has dropped dangerously low, and your reserves are depleted. I didn't have time to process all the things God was showing me, let alone write about them. I missed church! I missed having the habit of Bible study! I missed having those moments when God's presence is so strong around you that you're just giddy. And I really missed when I wasn't pleading with God to show me how things “made sense”, to clue me in to His plan so I could trust him easier... When I'm rested, I can trust Him without having to have proof! I missed that.

Second attempt at Mt. Shasta was victorious!

And then I finally looked at the calendar... I had cleaned almost a million pounds of seed in a little over a month. The calendar was showing an entire extra month of time before my deadlines than I remembered figuring for. I got an incredible vice chairperson for Strawberry Festival that was a total God-send. My dad left for a week, and I got to help my brother spray rather than be cooped up in the warehouse—guilt free since I was so far ahead of schedule. I got to take naps! I went on a restful “hiking” trip that was far more geared to fun than achieving any sort of goals or mountains. I made it to church and was greeted with open arms by my ever loving church family. I got to spend mornings so wrapped in God's love during prayer time and evenings at home to actually have Bible study and get caught up on the to-do's. And little by little, I felt alive again. This, this is who I am. A woman that knows that God loves me, that knows God is good, that knows God is trustworthy, that knows God is working so much beauty from every bit of bad or mistakes or hurt. I know these things. I don't need proof.

I have a thing for National Parks... And hadn't been here yet!

When I'm really tired, it's hard to lay down my human “wisdom” and understanding, and rely instead on God's wisdom, which is beyond my ability to comprehend. I see things in my life and get discouraged that there is no possible way these things make sense, that this all works out, that there is anyway through this mess. But when I'm rested? I remember what God has shown me... The evidence He has placed in my life that serves as reminders that He is always working on our behalf, that He has seen the beginning and the end and knows exactly how to weave all these things together for good and for His glory. There is an incredibly powerful story I wish I could find the words to share, that shows just how amazing God is at working behind the scenes, creating these perfect knock-your-socks-off plans for us if only we trust him and keep to His plan... The perfect reminder to never lose faith and default to our own “wisdom” or we just might miss out on what awesomeness He had in place waiting for us to just surrender, so He could give us far more than our wildest dreams... But I don't have the right words to share that soul-baring story. I've actually been going round and round with God about it, knowing He wanted me to write it, but me knowing it had the power to hurt people, and pleading with God for a different way to explain it that was just as impactful—or else some very clear confirmation that it's what I was supposed to write. Some day I might still write that story, but for today, I offer up a story that is also weighing on my heart, and one that likewise shows my incredible awe at God's love in working behind the scenes to prepare His plans for us...

Mt. Sinai. I. Can't. Wait.

I leave in a week to climb Mt. Sinai (well, the main chunk of the trip is Israel, and not to discredit my level of excitement about that... But it doesn't stir my heart to nearly the degree that Mt. Sinai does). Just typing those words... Mt. Sinai. There are tears in my eyes, and such joy in my heart. This isn't a real “climb”, the monks have literally hewn steps into the rock clear to the summit. But regardless, it's Mt. Sinai... A mountain that has held my heart as long as I can remember. It's hard to put into words why this mountain has always captured my interest, maybe because I love the story of Moses and how God used someone who couldn't speak well to deliver His people from a great and stubborn nation, someone with such faults and inadequacies, someone so unlikely yet God did such incredible things through his life. Or maybe it's because it's a mountain that God's own presence descended upon... God! Not an angel, not the Holy Spirit, but God... He brought his presence down and actually met with Moses! And to stand in that place? To be atop that same mountain? Oh my... I can hardly contain myself.

Sunshine at Woahink! Because sometimes you need to not hike...

The idea that I could ever actually do such a thing as travel to the Middle East and climb a mountain? It would never have happened if God hadn't led me down this crazy path of climbing mountains... I still find myself thinking that “I could never do something like that...” Then I realize, why can't I??? I've climbed a 14er, do I really think I couldn't get my butt up a “mountain” in the Middle East? But even to consider that anyone would do such a thing... Climbing mountains was just never on my radar! It would never have crossed my mind! God has woven so much together the past couple of years to make this trip happen, from leading me to put money aside, to building my confidence in myself, to drawing me to Him in such real and meaningful ways... And to say it's beyond my wildest dreams is so incredibly true. I am still discovering more and more ways He has been working and preparing this experience for me, realizing just how much was going on behind the scenes that I wasn't privy to—like accidentally booking my flights for the wrong day and causing extra time I needed to fill... And oh it's an incredible feeling. When you realize just how much effort God puts in to your life, just how active and present He is, just how much He cares... It reminds me over and over how much I want to choose His path not my own. How much I never want to default to human “wisdom” and understanding to be my decision maker, but to be okay living in the belief of the impossible, because I serve a Big God. Who doesn't have the word impossible in His vocabulary. I never want to risk missing out on the awesome plans He has in store for me because I lost faith, or patience, or let my pride of needing to be in control get in the way. Or because I was just too worn down and exhausted to actually experience it.

Hiking in North Cascades, NP

So today, I will choose to praise God for the “break” He has created in my life to rest. Even if sometimes I still feel like I'm wasting time and not being productive for Him nearly enough. I will relish in the “being still”, and remember that He's at work, creating the most incredible of plans for my life, and that the next season of craziness and going hard at something will eventually come, and I better be rested and ready to tackle that mountain. And I can just wait in anxious anticipation to find out what it is... Knowing God, it's sure to be something crazy-amazing.