Playing Catch Up! I'm Tired.

Looking back towards the summit of Mt. Baker...

I haven't felt like writing. In fact, I haven't felt like doing anything... I kept thinking I would write when I got around to it, when I wasn't so tired, or wasn't so busy, yet that day just kept not coming. Were there things I felt were worthwhile to say? Sure. Where there adventures to share? Yep. But I was too tired, and had no spare time when my brain was actually able to function enough to form coherent sentences. You see, I have this knack for letting myself get worn down so far that I can't recover. And that was always when the worst of my crazy thoughts, and dark ideas, and that anxiety and debilitating negativity of myself and life would set in. It was always an ugly time for me. I would doubt my worth, feel I had nothing to offer, that my life didn't matter, that nothing I had done or ever would do would amount to any difference in this world whatsoever. Being that level of tired made me do stupid and crazy-desperate things, trying to not feel, not care, just SLEEP. And always with promises that I'd never do this to myself again.

Mt. Baker summit, second attempt was worth it!

I find it really interesting to compare the state I find myself in currently to the old “tired” me, and what a joy it is to realize that no matter how awful I feel right now, it's nothing compared to how bad I've felt before. That darkness isn't even on the horizon, let alone kicking in my front door. But I still don't like who I am right now. I feel kind of dead inside, and it's weird. And it's weird that it feels weird, when I used to spend so much time in this state, or worse! I know so much of it has to do with changes in my routines, but those routines are hard to maintain when you're never home, and when you are... My eyes are always too tired to really dedicate myself to Bible time. I'm irritable, like ready to chuck my phone in the bin because text messages or Facebook messages keep popping up and taking over the screen when I'm trying to do stuff and why can't people just leave.me.alone.please.for.pete's.sake. Complaining about people who love me and are checking in on me? People I'd normally love to talk to for any reason at all? Trying to do Bible study and my mind can't focus long enough to even begin to process the question I've just read 15 times let alone formulate an answer. My to-do list grows and grows, and I lack any energy to get done any more than is absolutely necessary for that day (and considering I'm very used to the backpacking lifestyle and can go days without showering, or combing my hair, or even changing my clothes... the list of what is “necessary” becomes pretty marginal), and the anxiety caused by the remaining items on the to-do list? Eeeek! No, I don't like who I am currently.

Mary's Peak via North Ridge with Allis after a cancelled climb

But I take joy, so much joy, in how God meets me in the little moments... When I'm stressed to the max in the warehouse trying to clean at a not-sustainable rate for the past 4 weeks solid so I can still go do all the other stuff I want/need to get done and not sacrifice productivity, and all of a sudden... That perfect worship lyric speaks straight to my heart, and I'm reminded of who I am, and how much God loves me even in the frantic mess He currently finds me in. Or maybe it's when my eyes are too tired to read the Bible, but a new sermon is up online and I can just be still and listen with my eyes shut. Little reminders of his amazing grace, that He would reach out to me when I'm so far beyond the normal degree of undeserving of His love. He met me on the way down Mt. Baker... A moment I was able to capture in the most incredible photograph that still didn't do the moment justice in the slightest. It brought tears of awe to my eyes. Little moments I realize I should be afraid, and I'm not, that Jesus truly can silence our fears. I climbed Mt. Washington, and the top is rock. I, who am afraid of heights, climbed that rock and was not afraid. And I was in awe.

Looking back at Mt. Washington

I've found myself less able to control my crazy degree of worrying as my tiredness level has grown. I worry that the further I go along the current path God has me on of all this crazy climbing and adventures, that I get further and further from the life I actually want, one of settling down and giving up all the risky nonsense in favor of putting my family first. I worry about how much it bothers me that I am not afraid of mountains, that there is something very broken with my brain. Other people get afraid... I'm just the one freaking out about jumping over a crevasse, but not because of the crevasse, because I don't jump. It's an anxiety trigger. Like throwing things and sliding. But how will I ever make good and sound decisions about risks when I'm not afraid? Someone said once that he'd given up riding motor bikes when he realized he wasn't afraid of them anymore... And that made sense! But wouldn't that logic then apply to me and mountains? When would I know to give them up??? Yet I feel like I've made sound decisions, and prioritize safety even when it's extra work and a pain in the rear, and I know God has been on this journey with me, so why worry about when to give it up? So many arguments in my head, so much indecision, so much needless worry... My heart is breaking all over again for people that I can't do anything for but battle for their hearts in prayer. It's hard to give my worries for them over to God when I'm tired. It's hard to give all of it over to God when I'm tired. The over thinking, the worry, the anxiety, the doubts, the indecisiveness, the feeling like I've lost my sense of purpose all over again. It's hard to just trust. But the irony of this whole situation is that that's exactly what God asks of us. To simply let go, and trust. To find our rest in Him. To not wear ourselves out further by letting our minds work themselves into frenzies with the worry and stress and doubts, but to surrender it all to Him.

Oh yeah, and there was that whole total solar eclipse amazingness in there somewhere...

It's amazing to me how different my prayer time is in the morning versus the evening... Normal me, there isn't much difference between morning and evening prayer time. But super tired me? Oh my. Morning prayer, with even that little boost of sleep, is thankful and prayers of confidence that God will work in these people's lives that I love and care for, that His will will get done despite the choices they are making or despite the mountains they are facing. Evening prayers? Tears of frustration. Why can't I see God working? WHY is He letting these people face these mountains? Why does it all seem like a lost cause? What am I supposed to be doing? Why does He keep sending me further down this road when I want a different path?? WHY, GOD??? ANSWER ME! It can get ugly. Just like a kid throwing a tantrum. But even then... God loves me. In the hectic, in the tired, in the stress and worry, in the doubts. And that's what amazes me... What keeps me going... Keeps me trying harder to get a handle again on “balance” in my life.

Mt. Washington Summit

These past few weeks have been busy, and stressful, and downright exhausting. I've climbed mountains, cleaned well over a half-a-million pounds of seed in less than 4 weeks with leaving early and late starts and missed days, there has been volunteering, and hikes, and projects, and mourning for friends that have passed away. There are trips on the horizon to finish planning and getting ready for, and so much to do I can't even think about it. But these past few weeks have also been incredible. They have provided so much evidence to know that I'm strong. I'm talented. I'm growing and changing in ways that still amaze me and leave me so grateful for how God works. And I know even with set-backs, I've come so far from the broken person I was. And I can be grateful, so very grateful. Because even at its ugliest and most exhausting... My life is good. My life is beautiful. And I serve an amazing and incredible God that loves me.

My rope team headed up Mt. Baker

I get to head to Florence tomorrow... One of my absolute favorite places. And I plan on doing nothing besides laying out on the deck, watching the beautiful lake wash away my stress, finding some good blocks of time to devote to my Bible, and just REST. I know it will be wonderful, and I know it's much needed. God always provides. In long weekends, and great friends, and naps in the sunshine... He knows exactly what we need, and I am very grateful He takes care of us in the loving way only He can.

Rappelling down Mt. Washington's summit