Worry and Guilt: The Ugly Side of Adventures

I had to send my mom that dreaded “I'm fine. You don't need to worry. But...” message earlier this week. I'm pretty sure I've only had to send that message one other time in my life, and the situation was very different. This time, it was because of an adventure, I was knowingly putting myself at risk... Because that's the downside of adventures: they have risks associated with them, even if we very much do not want to think about it. It's been hard to process, not because there was a close call (meaning it could have been worse than a close call)... but because of the position I put those I love in. The guilt and selfishness I feel because I choose to do things that can be “risky”. Fear that I'll hurt people I love through my choices and activities.

It's really hard to reconcile two things: I want adventures in my life, and I want desperately to protect the people I love. The two things don't really go together nicely... I know the hurt that can come with worrying about someone you love, making yourself sick waiting for the message to come through that things are fine, that nothing bad happened. I've been on that side of the equation, and I can't forget how ill equipped I was to process that. I'd never been around anyone that did crazy stuff, it was utterly foreign to me and all I could see was the danger. Even though I wanted that person to pursue his passions and to live life to the fullest, and for me to be strong enough to be a source of encouragement in that... I also hated it because my worry-wort and worst-case-scenario brain made me want to just curl up in a ball alternating between praying like crazy and staring at my phone, waiting. It hurt. And the thought that now the shoe is somehow on the other foot and I've become the person that does crazy things and is causing others to worry, to hurt??? That's a lot for me to process. I know my loved ones aren't any better equipped to handle the worries than I was, but I'm grateful that they aren't as cursed in the worry-wort department as I am. It makes it just a tinsy bit easier to stomach. Maybe. But still, telling your family the thing you want to do is climb mountains??? That's a big ask to expect them to not worry about you.

Sometimes I'm not even sure how I ended up here... It can feel like a dream. I look at my goal board and wonder what the old me would have thought of all this. The one that lived a safe but boring life. That wondered at the safety of going and hiking at McDowell Creek... I'm grateful for the journey, I am; and for the most part, I can tackle the things I want to do and put the fears for my safety far from my mind... If I die, I know where I'm going, and I know that'll be a great day. And if I die on a trail or a mountain? All the better. But the fear of hurting others? That's not so easy.

Confession: I often don't tell anyone when I'm going out hiking. I know I should, I know it's kind of hiking-101, but I don't like to put anyone in a position of worrying, or to be the one that would have to make the call if I don't make it back when I anticipated. And normally, I wouldn't have told my mother that there had been a near miss—even now, it took most of 24 hours of pondering if I should or not. I mean, what she doesn't know, can't hurt her, right??? Why give her any extra reason to worry? But then where do you draw the line? What do you share and not share? I always felt like I couldn't give her any reason to worry about me—she had enough to worry about as it was. So I tried to always be “good”, the one getting straight A's, keeping out of trouble, being responsible, playing it safe. But then there were the hurts... And I didn't want her to hurt by sharing them with her, because that's how it works. Mothers care, and what hurts their kids, hurts them. So I started hiding things, but once that little bit of distance forms, it just grows. No relationship can be what it's supposed to be if it's not based on honesty, but how do you be honest and still protect someone...?

When I decided to start sharing my life with her, and my journey of finding myself, of the adventures I was taking, and wanted to take... I knew she'd worry. I knew that telling her the truth of my hurts would hurt her. And that, in turn, hurt me. And then comments like “you're too old to be giving me gray hairs” started getting thrown around—and as much as I know it is in jest, it can cause those feelings of guilt and selfishness to flare up again. I could just not do the things I want to do. I could choose a safe and boring life... Maybe develop a passion for knitting afghans??? But I know that's no life to live. I fought hard to crawl out of a pit of trying to protect myself from the world, to embrace life, and to live it, and I don't want to go back to that place. And the truth is... I can't protect the people I love. I can't protect anyone. As much as I'd give anything in my power to do that, I can't. No amount of analyzing my decisions, actions, or endeavors could ever perfectly protect the people I care about from any ill-effects caused by my life. And that's a hard pill to swallow.

So here's the truth I need to cling to... And it's a tough one. It will continue to be a battle for me, because it strikes at the very heart of loving people deeply. But here it goes: no matter how hard it is at times to remember, no matter how much the guilt and selfish feelings scream my name, the people in my life love me. They support me. And yes, it may kill them at moments to worry over anything bad happening to me, but they want for me to pursue my dreams and to live, just as I would want that for them in return. Just as I would bear any degree of worry and hurt if it meant them pursuing their passions. There is a tension between caring and worrying, and it's the result of loving. And it can be awful to live in that tension, but it's what we have to do. Even when it's hard. So I'll try my best to take comfort in the fact that God is the one with the perfect plan, and as long as I seek to follow Him... Even if my life causes hurts for those I love, those hurts are likewise part of His plan. Something He can use, just as He used my hurts as part of the plan to get me where I needed to be. It's just easier to take hurts on myself than it is to let it fall onto others, especially if I feel I caused them. But sometimes, we don't get that option. And we just have to trust. Trust in the One that is in control.

Yes, there is a downside to adventures. Risks that seem abundantly obvious to those that aren't caught up in the excitement of it, that haven't built up that comfort level that makes those risks seem not as likely, and thus are easy to push out of your mind. Those risks can cause worry and hurt for those we love, and it can trick us into thinking that they don't “get it” and must not be supportive of us; but we have to cling to the truth that they just care deeply enough to not want us to get hurt. And trust that they love us enough to want us to live...

I'm grateful I told my mom. I'm grateful I heard the truths out of her mouth that she wants me to dream big and follow my heart up whatever mountain I need to climb—just to do so as safely as I can. I know the journey ahead won't be easy, and there will be more fears I have to conquer, but hopefully I can keep the fear of hurting others at bay a bit better from here on out.

And as a side note, I didn't fall off a cliff. Which surprises me a little, since I'm soooo not a coordinated person and trip constantly on the trail, and in the back of my head, am always expecting that day to come. But no... I was on the river, kayaking, with my friend Tammy. I've always been scared of the water (like, gave up on the goal of ever completing a triathlon because I was terrified of the swimming leg), but I am kind of stubborn and always think if I just bull-headedly force myself to do things, and ignore the fact that I'm afraid, I'll become braver and feel like less of a coward... It usually doesn't work out, but kayaking is something I'm generally pretty good at, so I usually just suck it up when people want to go. And Tammy wanted to go! It was a beautiful day on the river, aside from just a few minutes of it, and I enjoyed the time spent with my wonderful friend. Other than being a bit battered, and losing my new camera, I came out of it just fine. God is good, and He made me strong (well, Him and the 2.4 million pounds worth of 50's I threw this season!) So it's full speed ahead on the goal list... Putting the fears of hurting others out of my mind, and maybe just maybe, sticking to trails and mountains for awhile ;) And putting my beautiful new ice axe to good use!